"One does not applaud the Tenor for clearing his throat" ..is a quotation that Cushy Number does not at all understand, but the thinking is that having it as a Band Description may infer a level of intelligence in the band, and by extension its members. Cushy Number understands music - it controls them, and directs them when they play. Audiences are swooned away on a magic carpet ride of luxurious notation, concluding in rapturous applause - sometimes from both audience members! Those are the magical moments they yearn for, and spend pots of cash on equipment to feel as often as allowed. You too can feel this, somehow, by attending one of their performances, and in so doing start an unforgettable journey..
Les Rushworth: Voice
Ancient myths tell us that Samson derived his strength from his long flowing hair. Similarly but inversely, Les's completely hairless body bestows the vocal abilities for which he is best known and revered. If hair were to again grow, many fear the voice would be lost to posterity, so unspecified precautions are taken to ensure this event never happens. The voice itself has been described as "creamy chocolate infused with freshly squeezed Bee wax, gently warmed over hot coals hewn from the fabled coal mines of his native England". Not content with this life defining attribute, Les also knows his way around the business end of a Kazoo and is not afraid to use it without provocation.
Olaf Merkert: Guitar (6 strings)
Be-Bearded in the Winter months, Merkert has been found on more than one occasion hibernating in a locked and darkened rehearsal room with only an electro guitar injected directly into a 15" Bass Bin. Preposterously described as an experiment to communicate with as yet undiscovered marine Whale life, many claim these sessions are a failed attempt to perfect cold fusion. In the Summer months, the beard gives way to mutton chop sideburns, necessitating complicated sonic adjustments by Cushy Number, especially bemoaned by the other members. Tickling the guitar fretboard with milllimetric precision, Olaf often surprises and frightens audiences with a Chuck Berry styled duck walk, executed with both knees locked in a unified forward hop-like motion.
Ron Sumners: Drums
Sumners was not born, but assembled from discarded material left in a disused Drum factory. Life was given to the finished form by an unspecified infusion of pure alcohol mixed with floor polish. Attempted on only 2 occasions, Ron is the sole survivor of these now UN banned experiments, but the results are both baffling and percussive. His flaxen hair is actually stretched and bleached Snare drum wire, and his right foot is constructed from a bass pedal main plate casting negative, ensuring a perfect fit for unrivalled blurred performance.
Eric Champod: Bass Guitar (4 strings)
Left trapped in a greased bath at an early age, the impressionable Eric was afflicted with a neck spasm aliment for life. All hope was considered lost until he was left fortuitously close to a neglected bass guitar, where this spasmodic quirk yielded a peerless aptitude for the instrument, uniting the musicality of the plucked strings with the vigorous but now rhythmical neck movements. A beard was added in the later years to protect on-lookers from the hypnotic head movements, and as an airbrake to lessen the impact on the pulsating cranium.
Phil Cush: Guitar (6 strings)
Faced with the stark parental directive to learn either piano or violin, the young Cush rejected both reasoning that neither was available with a "whammy bar". Final agreement was reached when a cheap guitar was found poking out of a nearby skip, and tuneful learning began. All was well until the discovery that an amplifier could be attached, and a mistaken assumption that neighbour protestations were actually a form of praise, the redoubtable Cush mastered the "art" of controlled and pitiless feedback. Kept in check by Merkert, these forays into extended feedback based guitar solos are now mercifully short. A frustrated and risible vocalist on his own, the blend with Eric, Olaf and Les's singing talents forms the basis of the Cushy Number "Barbour Shop" sound, enjoyed by some audiences and heralded by any stray dogs within earshot.
Toby Einstein (second mic stand holder) - Ex Member!!
As Former member Einstein used to say "Partical Infractoral Reverters with twin Waddbusters are not going to invent themselves you know!" when quizzed about his lack of focus during Cushy Number performances. It was at this time that band members realised that Toby had been moonlighting as a nuclear physicist, which is strictly against band policy. Toby was swiftly ejected from the band and pursued a mildly successful Nobel Prize winning career, but was observed clinging onto an unattended mic stand during the prize giving ceremony.
The simple answer is - at a suitable location near you.. soon, in fact if you are a Facebook user, why not search for "Cushy Number" and you too can be constantly bombarded with updates, pictures and fascinating content. Or, keep a sharp lookout for gig posters dotted around Credit Suisse locations, and remeber to bring friends (especially girls!!!).
..because rock'n'roll should never be serious, or indulged in with anything other than a frownless expression. Cushy Number cannot promise life extending powers or make its listeners more attractive to their choice of partner, but can ensure an enjoyable plunge into the warming waters of live music, copious amounts of your beverage of choice and a partially memorable evening.